SURVIVAL WEEK (and a half) SCHEDULE!

As Ron mentioned in the Monday Update, this is survival week on The Noisecast and we have a full docket for you. We will be bringing you one a day till we’re done. This is the publishing schedule.

Monday 3/28:  Zombie – Today, we start off with a Zombie survival guide. Yes, it’s been done many times before, but not by KevlarMenace. Strap in, and find your spatula. Click here to read this guide.

Tuesday 3/29: Vampire – Simply put, there are too many of them. Buffy is retired, Blade is serving jail time for tax evasion, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to infiltrate their fortresses at Hot topic, or evade their tween guards. Luckily, you can track them by the trail of glitter and awful poetry. Enosone will give you what you need to survive an encounter with Nosferatu. Click here to read this guide.

Wednesday 3/30: Werewolf – You’ve probably been a victim of them. You see and hear them once a month. You can track them by the blood and nasty attitude. For a few days every cycle they transform into murderous beasts and destroy everything you love. Ron will lead you through the full moon and into the sunlight. Click here to read this guide.

Thursday 3/31: Robot – In our attempts to be gods, we create gods and they are powerful and wrathful things. We become puny flesh things that are unnecessary and must be excised. Perfection, efficiency, these are the prime directives and humans are neither. Steven will be your guide through this hell-scape. Click here to read this guide.

Friday 4/1: Dalek – EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! No word, uttered back-to-back in an whiny robot voice strikes more terror in the hearts of the dwellers of the Universe. Daleks know only hate and have only one desire: the extermination of all inferior beings (non-Daleks). The Daleks are the Nazi’s of space, except they spend more time creating universe ending weapons and less time Goose-stepping and rapping like black-clad fairies. In the event there is no Doctor to save us, Ben has a good primer on… who am I kidding, you’re going to die, so go out like a Boss! Click here to read this guide.

Saturday 4/2: Alien – The truth is out there, and it is that they want to destroy you and take your shit (or end wars, not sure, i don’t speak alien). They’ll come and they’ll take yer jobs, and do it cheaper and better. They’ll take your women, cause chaos, and who knows what else. I say kill them all. I’ve got my MacBook ready to go, and Jeff Goldblum on speed dial. With Vitto’s guide, Jeff Goldblum’s MacBook 1337 h4xor skillz, that alien menace is boned. Click here to read this guide.

Sunday 4/3: Reavers – You thought you were so clever moving out to the outer rim colonies. Well guess what, Reavers are here and they will rape you to death, eat your flesh, and sew your skins in to their clothing, and if you’re very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order. But Standish has a few choice pointers for you. I won’t say never fear, because I’m fairly certain that’s one of the pointers. Click here to read this guide.

Monday 4/4: The things that go bump in the night – This one is for the younger crowd, or at least the ones who haven’t grown up yet. I take you to your childhood (which you seem to have survived unscathed) and walk you through surviving the ghouls that live in your closet. My mission is to help get you out of the closet. Click here to read this guide.

Tuesday 4/5: Trolls – Finally we get to the greatest epidemic of all. Gonzo walks you through surviving the inevitable horde of meatspace trolls after one of the other apocalypse scenarios ends the internet. You won’t want to miss this. Click here to read this guide.