Survival Week: Zombie Apocalypse Guide

*Yes, it’s been done before. But not by me. You are about to read the ultimate guide to surviving a zombie outbreak.*

First, a few assumptions:

There are zombies. Zombies are contagious, hungry, and not functioning to full capacity. For the purposes of this guide, they are infected with a virus that controls the basic functions of the brain, and lack the full mental power that they may or may not have had during the first stage of their life.

There are survivors. They are scared, jittery, and probably trigger happy. Thanks to the extreme amount of paranoia and adrenaline, they are just barely smarter than the zombies. They are also physically fit. Everyone has to run from zombies at some point, and that fat guy that works the drive thru at Arby’s probably didn’t make it.

Now, onto the end of your life. Yes, you’re going to die. Not sure how, but it happens. You’ll think a lot about your death in the first few seconds after you realize that your neighbor is now hungry, undead, and (still) a douchebag. He didn’t even return your chainsaw, which would have made dispatching him easier. The spatula worked, but you need to gear up. Lock all exterior entrances to your home, and cover the windows. Keep the sounds to a minimum. Check on your family. If your wife/husband is at work, too bad. Your emotions need to be locked away for a long time.

Go to your bedroom and gather clothes. They need to fit in a duffel bag that you can sling over your shoulder. Ensure you have one set for every season, and bring boots and tennis shoes. Cargo pants are preferable. Grab an extra duffel bag and head to the garage, grabbing the two biggest knives from your kitchen first. Elapsed time since Zombie Bill’s arrival at your door: 5 minutes.
You’re a real man/woman, so you have tools. Toss the first duffel bag in your SUV, and set the other one open on the hood. If you own guns, I hope you brought them from the house, because you can’t go back now. You can never go back to anywhere again. Don’t own a gun? Walk outside naked, because you don’t have the balls to survive anyway.

Grab a hammer, a machete, and any other tools that you can quickly and accurately attack [read: Kill] a zombie with. Puncture weapons are the best. Just remember, a pickaxe will get heavy, fast. Set the tools in the second bag, and place the guns on top, loaded. Leave the pistol and one short range tool out. Place all extra ammunition in the exterior pockets of the duffel. If you’ve got extra mags for the pistol, fill them and place at least one on each side of you. Cup holders and in-door map pockets are best. Place the rest in your cargo pockets in case you need to leave your vehicle.

Now go. Drive to the closest National Guard base and grab an uparmored HMMWV. They have Combat Locks (the doors lock from the inside and CANNOT be unlocked from outside), run on diesel (so alternate fuels will work) and don’t require keys. Then get the hell out of there and head to the desert. Travel only during the day, when you can clearly see the road, and what’s around.

New Rules for Life:
There will be some new rules you need to follow. They will suck, and probably cause you to go insane, but if you follow them, you’re going to live longer.

1) Trust no one. This is largely obvious, but since the human being is a social animal it needs to be stated, and possibly tattooed on the back of your hands. Avoid any groups of humans for at least 60 days. This number will mean more later.
If you find it impossible to avoid a group or even one person, then make sure you stash your stuff. Do not appear to be the most prepared person around. People will jack your shit. Be done with your socialization and gone as soon as possible. Remember how I said that fat people won’t survive? Well, dumb people won’t either. The cunning and the lucky are all that’s left, and they’ll both want your guns.
Have two stories in your head; one that’s true, and one that isn’t. Tell everyone else the second one. Do your research. The second story should be your second idea, the place you almost decided to go, but decided not to. That way you know the details, and can recite them at will.

2) No more drinking. This one is really going to suck. You’re going to be stressed, constantly. But you can’t afford to not be in full control of your facilities. No drugs, even sleeping drugs. You won’t be sleeping much, and you need to be able to go from asleep to full tilt ASAP. The booze, while relaxing, will only serve to mess up your aim, coordination, and ability to think quickly and clearly. Also, don’t drink and drive.

3) Sleep only in Concrete Buildings. Take your full load with you, and sleep within 100yds of the HMMWV, if not in it. Best bet is to find a concrete building with a garage door that you can pull the vehicle into, and sleep in the back. Concrete will provide the best protection against the zombie hoard.

Other pointers for survival:
The desert is the best place to go to. The heat will quickly deteriorate the flesh of your enemies, and the open land will make surveillance easy. Many desert buildings have very few windows to save on heating costs, so there are fewer entrances for you to guard.

Before you find a place to wait out the remainder of your sixty day period, stock up. Do not go to your future home without a full load of supplies. Gather water, candles, ammo, food, and anything else that you can fit in the HMMWV as you near your new home.

Speaking of your new crib, it should be relatively small, severely isolated, and have a garage door to fit your covered wagon in. It should be easily protected. You should be able to access the roof from the inside, and only the inside.

You’ll note that this is by no means a complete guide. This is an overall how-to. The individual skills are yours to hone between now and when you decapitate your neighbor with a spatula. Start planning now, and you might survive.

First picture (Zombie Girl) drawn by Kaiser Machead. Pay him a visit at doodleofboredom.com and check out the awesome doodles he comes up with.

Source: Years of training