The Internet Is Dead: How To Survive The Onslaught Of Trolls

This is the final and shortest survival guide. The Internet as we know it has gone down. No more Facebook, no more Reddit, and NO MORE NOISECAST! Earth’s citizens are panicking at the thought of instantly being put in the proverbial stone-age.

You’ve tried power cycling the routers, and nothing is working. You can’t search Google for possible solutions, your cellphone doesn’t even have access. Your first thoughts might be, no more WoW, how will I get to sleep with out Netflix streaming? Then an internet savvy friend of yours asks, “What will become of the trolls?!?” This isn’t something you’ve given much thought to. On the internet if you went to a website infested by trolls you could simply go to a different site. Without the internet what will happen?

Trolls just can’t stop trolling, after all they’re in it for the lulz. And with people in mass hysteria there are many lulz to be had at their expense. How will you know how to spot them IRL. Trolls thrived on the anonymity of the internet. Here in the real world that level of anonymity doesn’t really exist. While this my hinder many trolls, and force them to renounce their trolling ways. Those die hard ones, who thrive on schadenfreude, will stop at nothing to quell their lulz addiction.

They will wear masks perhaps, like anonymous did on occasion. They will likely live in communes and travel in packs. A lone troll is rarely a nuisance. Picture them as combination of hippies and old west outlaws. Except instead of forming drum circles or robbing banks, they thrive on making life miserable for everyone else. You can try ignoring them, but that never works so well. Once the lulz were gone and a website down, they just moved on. Feel free to do this, but be warned it will likely force you to become a Nomad, and end up living a sealed underground bunker, and if Fallout has taught you nothing, that won’t end well. If that’s the path you choose, you will end up living in seclusion. Which might be something you enjoy, but you’re killing humanity (need MOAR sperm and Woman Eggs). Trolls should not be feared. That just feeds them. And you should never feed the trolls. It’s like getting gremlins wet, they’ll just keep growing and growing.

The most fulfilling way to combat that trolls, is to troll them. But this begs the question, “Doesn’t trolling a troll make you in fact a troll?” Shut up, n00b smarty pants! That’s why your daddy left you and your mama hates you.

Now that you’ve decided your plan of action it’s time to get to work. This won’t be something you can do on your own. So band up with other non-trolls. And prepare to embed yourself in a tribe of trolls. You’ll probably want to get your hands on a 1970s Ford E-series van. The more beat up the better. Paint free candy on the side for that extra troll touch. Don’t forget your pedobear costume.

Make sure you exhibit every caricature of a troll and push it to the extreme, you must laugh at them while making them think you are laughing with them. Never show weakness. They can smell it. The Troll is the deadliest (and paradoxically most cowardly) predator nature has ever created. The troll didn’t so much evolve as DoS (Denial of Service)the gene pool to coalesce into a beast that devours everything but never gets full.

If you find your strategy of embedding with trolls is impossible, or you find yourself transforming into one and decide that an alternative strategy, that of avoidance would be better, keep the following pointers in mind. Avoid bridges, basements, and any place that sells copious amounts of Cheetos. This is the troll’s natural habitat, Some insane ones may still be sitting in front of the now dead computer screen trolling imaginary noobs in their deranged minds. Stay away from those especially. Your most important weapons are sunlight, mirrors, cardio, and the troll’s true name.

Trolls cannot deal with the truth of the misery of their own existence, a state of affairs that is made apparent in the light of day. They are nocturnal cowards. So they retreat into the darkest night. They are usually fat and/or ugly, hating themselves ad infinitum, which is why they turn their vileness outward. So a mirror showing them the horror of themselves will drop them into fits of sobbing or rage. If rage, they may try to chase you. Not for long though, those fat asses are useless on their feet. So they will probably give up, panting and hyperventilating, trying to reach for their asthma medication and more Cheetos. The troll also derives his power from his anonymity, so every time he spouts vileness, simply call him by his true name and like a demon, he will be vanquished (bonus points for “the power of christ compels you” if he is an atheist troll. Or “the power of your child-molesting imaginary sky fairy compels you” if he is a christian/religious troll).

There are two more troll fighting or avoiding tools in your arsenal. The first is the word ‘meh’. A troll also derives his power from your rage, despair or anguish. There is nothing more painful to a troll than boredom at his antics and indiscriminate indifference. The other is even more useful. On the internet, before the apocalypse, he was all-powerful and thought he was a tough guy. In real life, you can kick him in the nuts (or punch her in the ovaries). What’s that bitch-ass gonna do about it? Remember, on top of being dumb, over emotional, hypocritical, foul mouthed, loathsome, ugly, self-loathing, probably fat and weak, and unloved by their “loved ones”, trolls are also lonely. Avoid them long enough in meatspace and they will whither because there just aren’t enough weak victims and they are forever alone.