Survival Week: Alien Invasions and You

If there’s one thing that Hollywood has an intense hard-on for, it’s buddy cop movies. But the world is never going to be overrun by buddy cops, so I am tackling alien invasions instead. A lifetime of watching movies has taught me that I watch too many movies. It has also taught me that if we get invaded by aliens we have no fucking clue what to do. Why? Because we really don’t know what to expect. They could be benevolent god-like creatures, blood-crazed killers, hunters just in it for the sport, small children that somehow got lost, or Keanu Reeves. So what can we do if we don’t know what we are up against? You’ve come to the right place, friends. Don’t worry, we’ve got this under control.

Numero Uno:

When the aliens finally come to Earth, the first thing you should do is see how tall they are relative to the average American male. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but unsavory aliens are almost universally as tall or taller than the average American male. The Predator, the aliens from, uh… Aliens, Daleks, every motherfucker in the Mos Eisley Cantina, and Keanu Reeves are all perfect examples of this. Of course there are some exceptions like Wookiees and prawns, but if  you’re automatically suspicious of the tall ones, you’ll be right most of the time. The short ones are, as you would expect, almost always “good guys”. The Asgard, Yoda, Paul… and of course the exceptions like Salacious Crumb.

Numero Two:

Trust no one. Don’t fucking look at me like that. I know I said that the short ones were okay, but think about this logically for a minute. That statement was based on information from Hollywood, and those guys obviously aren’t always on their game. The only way to be truly safe is to be extremely cautious of anything that isn’t from this planet. Do you want to take a chance that the short alien you just ran up on is a crazed little runt bent on world domination and genocide? Fuck no. Creepy little bastard isn’t worth the potential probe.

Step 5:

Odds are good that if a evil alien race has made its way to this little blue rock, we are well and truly fucked. The technology required to get to this planet from elsewhere in the cosmos is so far beyond our comprehension that the beings that possess it will surely be poised and ready to shove something unpleasant in a place where we don’t want it to be. And who are we to stop them? Motherfuckers have laser guns and telepathy and shit.

Fuck you, Bill Paxton. Maybe we should call you Jill from now on if you’re going to be such a fucking girl about it. Hell, even the girl is more of a man than you are right now. Since you’re no fucking help, I’ll tell you what we are going to do.

Achtung:

Before you ask, no I don’t know what that means and I don’t care if it is used incorrectly. We have bigger shit to worry about here, or have you forgotten about the invasion? For fuck’s sake man, get your priorities straight.

Every alien has a weakness that can be exploited. We are going to use that weakness to destroy them all in one fell swoop. We are going to construct a massive building that will be large enough to contain the invading force (or at least most of it). The walls and floors will be filled with explosives that can be detonated when the time is right. And for the record, we won’t be using regular explosives here; 100% nuclear (nookyaler). Go big or get probed, that’s what I always say. Once we get them all into the building, we flip a few triggers (safety first!) and blow the whole place straight to hell. How will we get them into the building? Simple. The building is a Home Depot. Everybody knows that aliens, regardless of stature, cannot resist Home Depot. Boom! Crisis averted bitches! Aliens? What aliens? I just see a big crater full of purple blood.

Let’s all take this time to wag our asses at the mothership and enjoy a nice tall celebratory beer.