NoiseDraft: Terrible ideas for a cloud service

Welcome to another weekly episode of the NoiseDraft, a completely made up mock draft for your reading pleasure. Each week the topic changes and each week the selection order changes. Feel free to continue the draft in the comments below! Just remember, once something has been chosen, you can’t choose it again!

In light of recent events, we’re taking on The Cloud this week. It seems like everything is being moved to the cloud nowadays. Here at the Noisecast, we feel that there are certain things that should be kept on the ground. Hit the break for our picks!

1. Ron – Super Tele-Uploaded Personal Information Directory

Store your credit card info, birth certificates, I.D. cards, social security numbers, and other important documents all on The Noisecast’s highly secure servers! It’s absolutely (sort of) free! You will Gawk at our ultra-high level encryption technologies! Proven 99% secure against incoming threats! Send all your account numbers, ID numbers, phone numbers, and everything else to Ron@friedyoda.com/noisecast.

2. Steven – The PlayStation Network

Yup, enough said.

3. Chris – STD/Pregnancy Test Results Database

Not only would every test result be uploaded, every time you took a test would be uploaded. That way, when the database is accidentally uploaded as a .torrent, your wife can see that you’ve been tested every month since you met, or your future boyfriend can see your history of unprotected sex.

4. Agrippa – Doghouse Drama

As new and improved sensors are added to all our gear, taking minute measurements of what our body does (e.g. heart rate), a service that records increased blood flow to male and female personal extremities (spell it out: erection/arousal/horny-ness) as well as the exact GPS coordinates of each partner. This system both stores the data and tweets updates. Now couples can know exactly when their partner was aroused, how often, and where they were when it happened (specifically, if it was caused by them). I call it “Fidelity Assurance”. The data is also retrievable in divorce proceedings.

5. Ray – Passwords

With the whole LastPass thing, maybe keeping all your passwords in the cloud isn’t the best idea. I know it seems convenient, but the only place you should store you passwords is in your wallet. How often do you lose that?