TWIFY: Android Tablet Woes

Dear Android tablet manufacturers,

It has come to my attention that lately you clown shoe motherfucks have decided to completely ignore all of the progress that has been made on the Android OS in regards to functionality and usability. For some strange reason you chuckleheads are either using old software, leaving out huge chunks of functionality, or skinning what is already a beautiful interface with whatever shitteriffic UI your designers threw out at the last minute.

Hey Archos… can you explain why exactly you chose to use v2.1 on your 7c tablet? You know that 2.2 was released to the masses almost a full year ago, right? Gingerbread (which would work perfectly fine on your 1.2GHz processor) has been out for almost 5 months. What this actually means is that you, as a hardware manufacturer, have had access to both of these iterations for longer than the public. Yes, 2.1 works and is a decent OS, but 2.2 and 2.3 have made improvements in memory management, speed and performance optimizations (via JIT compiler implementation), WXGA support (you know, for big screens… like tablet screens), blah blah blah… Why would you choose 2.1? It doesn’t make any logistical sense whatsoever. 2.3 is light years ahead of 2.1 just because of the improved copy/paste and better keyboard. You feel that aching and burning sensation in your foot? That’s because you shot yourself in it.

Stop laughing Viewsonic. You turds still haven’t figured out how to make flash work on your tablet. You have hackers independent developers updating your software before you do because your shit is busted and you’re taking your sweet-ass time getting the update out. “Budget” doesn’t have to be synonymous with “bullshit”. If you want to cultivate a fanbase, the best way to do so is by staying on top of your updates. This is especially easy to do when you’re not running a custom UI because Google does it for you.

And now the HTC Flyer, a brand new 7 inch tablet running 2.3 with Sense with the promise of 3.0 later. Wait a minute here, mild tangent incoming. I want to address an alarming trend with Android tablets. Why the hell does everyone keep making 7 inch “tablets”? That’s not a tablet; it’s a fucking mutated phone. Someone poured the ooze on your phone and it grew into that monstrosity. This is especially true of the Dell Streak, since they made a goddamn 5” phone/tablet/what-is-this-I-don’t-even. Tablet = 9”-10”; Phone = 3.5”-4.5”. Anything claiming to be either of those things without staying in its respective size category is confused about its true identity. Now where was I? Right, the Flyer. 2.3 with Sense on a brand new “tablet” with plans for 3.0 later. Hey guys… we know what you’re doing. You’re pulling a Motorola and fucking with a user interface that doesn’t need it. Did you bother using the interface at all or did you just decide to plop Sense on it right out of the gate? This one upsets me more than the rest because as much as I love HTC’s hardware and Sense, there is absolutely no need for the latter in this situation.  You won’t be providing any functionality that isn’t already available in the 3.0 standard package.  I understand your desire to make it distinctive because you can’t really do much with a big piece of glass and some bezels. However, butt-fucking an already intuitive and eye-pleasing UI for your own self-gratification is a waste of your time and money, a waste of your customers’ time, and a waste of your “tablet’s” processing power. Cut the shit and just provide us with some badass hardware.

Dell… I am amazed that they let you knuckle-draggers still make computers. I figured that you would have been banned from using Android after you released your mutant phone with 1.6. This new Streak Pro looks all fancy and stuff, so congratulations on that I guess. You gave it a 10” screen, so you at least got the dimensions right. It comes preloaded with 3.0 Gingerbread, so you’re still looking good… And then like a  pitcher ending his perfect game by tossing an underhand pitch to a juiced up “highly-skilled” hitter, you completely ruin what should have been a sure thing. You shit all over the UI. Let’s put this into perspective really fast. HTC, a company that is known for making outstanding hardware and a gorgeous user interface, has yet to come up with a skin for 3.0 but you got yours up and ready to go? Do you understand why this news doesn’t inspire confidence? You have done a few things correctly in your time as a manufacturer. You made computers affordable for everyone. You used that money to grow your business and get all the lucrative government contracts. You also bought Alienware so that you could at least have someone around that knew how to make a computer that isn’t held together with bubble gum and duct tape. You still haven’t figured out how to make a BIOS that is worth a shit but you feel like you can improve on the 3.0 interface? Hey Dr. Cox, you want to weigh in on this one?

This thing you’re doing with the Streak Pro? This is not going to be added to the very short list of “Things you got right”.

Motorola: Fuck you.
Thankfully, we still have the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1. This is what a tablet should look like. You’ve got a big, beautiful screen with a nice resolution. You’ve got the cameras that everyone seems to be blowing a load over (I actually saw someone taking pictures and video with his tablet). And there’s Android 3.0, pristine and unfucked with. Thank you, Samsung. At least someone is paying attention. Fuck you too, Samsung. Go sit in the corner with Motorola. Your UI skin has to be one of the ugliest on the market and you just keep smearing it all over everything.

-Edit-

Google is just as much to blame in all of this as the hardware manufacturers. Would it really be that difficult to say “Stop fucking with the UI that our designers worked so diligently to create”? Apple changes the rules in the middle of the game all of the time and people keep flocking to their doorstep like moths to a bug zapper. In the beginning Android needed to be skinned. The functionality was lacking, the interface was ugly, and the skins improved that. Any and all efforts to skin an Android version beyond 2.3 (especially when Samsung is doing it) is just masturbation. It might make you feel good when you’re done, but you’re only going to offend everyone else that doesn’t want to see that shit.