NoiseDraft: Best and worst things to put in a time capsule

Welcome to another weekly episode of the NoiseDraft, a completely made up mock draft for your reading pleasure. Each week the topic changes and each week the selection order changes. Feel free to continue the draft in the comments below! Just remember, once something has been chosen, you can’t choose it again!

Did you ever create a time capsule as a kid? You take an empty coffee can or a jar, put stuff in it that are sentimental to you or are unique for your time period, seal it up, bury it in your back yard, and open it many years later? I never did, but I do remember in fourth grade they made us write a letter to ourselves. I talked about how insanely awesome I was, how I had all the fourth grade bitches in my black book, how Bobby Stephens pissed his pants in class, and how the best invention ever was the TalkBoy FX. I also wrote in stuff that I hoped my future self would do and be like, such as make millions in the stock market and be part of a drunken tech blog. In eighth grade our teachers passed out our “time capsule” letters since my school went from fourth to eighth grade. I cried in class and pissed my pants after reading it an realizing that I was no longer the cool kid I was four years prior and my hopes and dreams had been crushed as I had hit puberty. On that note, here’s the best and worst things we believe should be put in a time capsule.

1. Vitto

Best: Ticket stubs from a movie theater so that future generations can see how little we paid for a night out at the movies.

Worst: A semen sample. No matter how badly you want to pass on your DNA, this is not the way to do it.

2. Agrippa

Best: A self contained freezer with a semen sample, especially if you’re as incredible as me. Let’s face it, you really want to pass on your DNA, surely this is the best way.

Worst: Ticket stubs from any of the Star Wars prequels so that future generations can just go ahead and bypass your aforementioned semen samples.

2. Ron

Best: A printed copy of the entire Noisecast site.

Worst: A basket of fruit.

5. Steven

Best: A version of the Bible that replaces Jesus’s name with your own and totally slants events to immortalize you and your legacy. The introduction should say something like, “this is the first edition of the original bible that was passed down orally for generations in order to preserve its authenticity” to ensure that future people will convert and worship you instead.

Worst: Ron’s vagina.

6. Kevlar

Best: HotWheels cars and a playboy. Also, a photoshopped picture of you and the the president.

Worst: A photoshopped picture of you with Ron’s Vagina. A shinkwrapped fruitbasket.

7. Ben

Best: An experimental sentient robot that may or may not try to destroy mankind. And in another capsule, a hologram of yourself that teaches him to hadoken.

Worst: The Twilight books. It’s best to just forget that travesty of literature ever happened.

8. Marian

Best: A package of sanitized gloves in order to handle all the crap inside this time capsule.

Worst: A used tampon…. for obvious reasons.